The Black Gestapos! Ass Bandits of Auschwitz! The Kenyan Connection! Aztec Headhunter Revenge! Muslim Terror Babies Take New York!
When you’re a Fundy, the world is just a non-stop ethno-sploitation movie marathon.
You’d think it would be positively exhausting losing your marbles about the prospect of every feared minority getting money or obtaining opportunity, but no, the Right Wing Freak-O-Matic runs on a carbon-based combination of embittered Confederate resentment and down-home fire-and-brimstone white panic.
In a way I understand why the Gays are such a common go-to collective nemesis for them; not only are we a domestic threat, but our simultaneous two-pronged opening siege against marriage and the military leaves only professional sports and rap music left to conquer by our third and fourth waves. And really, isn’t that exactly like a Zulu bull attack?
It always comes back to Africa.
Yes, the DADT repeal really brings out the crazy from our favorite hand-wringers and teeth-gnashers, each subsequent pulled-out-of-thin-air apoplexy going further over-the-top than the one preceding it. Haven’t we just about heard them all by now: the cries of imminent Apocalypse, the undermining of our national strength by nellies with guns, the good ol’ boy gay-baiting dressed up in carefully-couched wordage, the “Please! The children! What about the children!” mommy fits? HuffPos’ Jason Linkins nailed it with his deft assessment:
“This only reinforces my belief that the best military-themed slashfic is written by homophobes.”
“Forcing soldiers to cohabit with people who view them as sexual objects would inevitably lead to increased sexual tension, sexual harassment, and even sexual assault.”
– Tony Perkins, The Family Research Council
Translation: “Allowing openly gay soldiers to serve means pure, white Christian ass (with fiancees waiting on the homefront) is gonna raped.”
We gotta give it to Tony on this one. As gays, we live in a rape-or-be-raped world. Consent is only possible when there’s a vagina involved, and even on the rare occasions where the line is crossed, the offended female party still needs a rape certificate to be held credible. And hey, being sexually objectified is a terrifying thing. This is why hetero men take to traveling in groups and attacking — sorry, “self-defending” — against lone gays. Everyone knows that an aroused gay man has the strength of a rampaging gorilla when erect, just as a gaggle of teenage girls can turn into a fang-bearing pack of she-wolves who surround pretty-featured men, their eyes afire with carnal menace. That’s why whenever a group of them look my way and smile, I let fly with my pepper spray. The threat of rape by anyone who doesn’t belong to your exact race, gender, and ethnicity is just that pervasive. Don’t be a victim after the fact. Be a victim in advance.
“Well, all that’s gone now, both for gays and straights willing to tell odious lies about themselves. If a homosexual signs up now, he’s stuck with the whole magilla. Go to your superior officer now and say, hey, I’m a flaming homosexual, I hate the army, let me out of here, the superior officer will say, tough darts, those days are gone. You’re stuck with us now, Nancy-boy.”
– Bryan Fischer, The American Family Association
Translation: “Stupid lazy-ass gays! You’ve played right into our hands! For too long you’ve sucked off the system by committing crimes so that you can get a free ride in the clink! Well you’re in the army now — and that mean’s you’re on our dime whether you like it or not! You stupid, stupid homos!”
American’s favorite hysterical Evangelical would be the one to foil our longest-running scam. Well the jig’s up now, and that means we’re going to have to start getting our lives together and performing useful services to society. But don’t be sore at us, Mr. Fischer! What chance did monstrously libidinous sex fiends like us stand against the sexy, sexy lure of the Armed Forces? Sure, prison is hot, but the Military Gay Porn genre is exponentially vaster in scope. It’s hardly our fault that every military term — Friendly Fire, Honorable Discharge, Night Maneuvers, Fox Hole, Weekend Pass — results in a ready-made porn title! We were entrapped!
“Well, there’s something interesting we have been watching – let’s talk about this Arkansas pattern and say, could it be a pattern? We’re going to watch and see. But the blackbirds fell to the ground in Beebe, Arkansas. Well the Governor of Arkansas’ name is Beebe. And also, there was something put out of Arkansas called “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” by a former Governor, this was proposed, Bill Clinton.”
– Cindy Jacobs, Generals International
Translation: “The repeal of DADT is making birds kill themselves in mid-flight. Or something.”
Shazam! This is logic in Fundyland. Human industry has no effect whatsoever on our environment. That’s crazy talk. Animals die and natural disasters occur because of Progressive agendas presided over by a Kenyan halfbreed witch doctor. It’s so obvious once you, erm, think about it. The Gays are a perpetually disruptive rupture in the natural order of God’s terrarium. Like Tippi Hedren or the kid from The Omen, our presence in normalized circles causes animal life to go insane and start pecking, clawing, and biting the fuck out of innocent people. If Animal Peril movies have taught us anything, it’s that creatures-run-amok are only reacting as physical manifestations of fraught human psychological drama. Ensconce too many gays in one location such as a military base, and our pheromones will drive proximal wildlife over the edge, turning and already dire situation, like Kingdom of The Spiders, into a real shit bomb, like Night of The Lepus.
And with that, my word count just hit 911. See? See?!
“Political correctness is reigning in the military right now, and its I wish I could say it is just this administration, but it has been reigning for a long, long time, so I do worry when many people stand up and say whatever the generals want. I’m not too sure that we haven’t so indoctrinated the officer corps in this country that they can actually see straight to make the right decision.”
– Rick Santorum, former Senator, perpetual finger-wagger, eternal ass meme
Translation: “Military leaders were brainwashed into supporting repeal…by witches!”
This from a man who wouldn’t step on a crack in the sidewalk if he didn’t OK it with the Bible first.
And you gotta love Social/Fiscal Conservatives: they’ll grab food out of a baby’s mouth and deny women basic medical care if it means saving a buck, but they’re all in when it comes to wasting money on propping up Gay Jim Crow Laws that are clearly legally untenable in the long run. See, institutionalized discrimination is a big extravagance that’s just a bottomless money pit in the end. Its overhead — the cost of fundraising, police suppression, and inevitable lawsuits challenging legislation meant to keep classes from mixing as they naturally do — is not a good investment. It’s a luxury granted to social phobics. Ultimately, the price tag for DADT entailed sacking perfectly qualified personnel whom the military had made substantial financial investments in, and that’s objectively not good math.
So yes, cooler heads prevailed in the Armed Forces because everyone watches too much Modern Family and Glee.
“Hitler was a homosexual. His inner circle was always filled with homosexuals. His bodyguards were homosexual. His chauffeur was homosexual. The Nazis were not only gay, the Nazis met in a gay bar.”
– Scott Lively, president of Abiding Truth Ministries and author of The Pink Swastika
Translation: “Gays are the ideal foot soldiers for Satan’s Army of The Apocalypse — emotionless, bloodthirsty, jack-booted thugs prepared to march upon the civilized the world and grind it underfoot. They are uniquely suited to enabling evil. Everywhere. All the time.”
All right already, I give: Yes, if pressed, I must admit that I am a natural-born killing machine who excels at moving in formation and will slaughter in mass quantities on command. When provoked, I shift into blond-haired, blue-eyed berserker mode — ready to hurl myself Uruk-Hai-like upon my enemies with nary a thought to my own survival. Also, all those restrooms you’ve been in where some degenerate has scrawled “Fucking Jews!” into the stalls? That was me. I couldn’t help it. I just hate them so much! If only there some way to create a racially and ethnically pure nation-state bound by fidelity and productivity, populated vith…only…ze…lean…muscular…Aryan…babehs…
That’s Fundy history, people: if the Holocaust is contingent upon white, European males committing atrocities under the combined mantle of Christian doctrine and extreme nationalism, then it’s waaaaaay over-hyped, but if you can scapegoat the gays as perpetrating it, then it totally sucked, must never be forgotten, and will definitely happen again.
© 2011, Shawn Baker. All rights reserved. Nightcharm.com